5 Habits I Cultivated to Become an Intentional Partner

From boyfriend to fiancé

I got engaged earlier this month. It was a magical moment that culminated my transformation from an irredeemable douchebag to a self-aware, perpetual learner.

It was on the balcony of a penthouse suite of a lovely hotel, with a backdrop of the amazing scenery of sprawling gardens. I asked the woman of my dreams to marry me — she said yes!!!

I finally found a woman who sees past my imperfections; patient enough to watch me become her ideal man, but stern enough to set standards that I guess I have met.

My journey from bachelor to boyfriend, to fiance, has been nothing if not tempestuous. After back-to-back heartbreaks, I was convinced that I have my time in the romantic fair is over. I was the author of the destructive relationships I had, pretty much sabotaging every decent relationship with insecurity, anger issues and borderline emotional abuse.

Something had to change.

Out of the blue, I met my now-fiancée. It was a random night, nursing a hangover, I was convinced by a friend to head to an event. I reluctantly agreed, and it must be the best decision I have made to date.

After a typically ropey first date, we started dating. Soon enough, I realised that this is a woman that won’t put up with my crap — I needed to get my act together! She was in her late 20s (older than most women I’d dated recently), religious, ambitious and tough. Not anything I was used to, but we connected, there was chemistry, and that became my anchor to steady myself in the clash of two personalities.

This was my last ride at the fairground of love. I knew straight away that I had to be deliberate in making this work, with actions, words, and sentiment.

The relationship came at the right time in my life, and my decision to be intentional in my relationship perfectly aligned my renewed self-realisation. I was going to cut the bullcrap, have that honest conversation, take full ownership of my predicament to date and devise actionable plans to get out of it.

After a rocky start, the relationship went through and passed my self-defined 6-month test. I was actually in a relationship, where I felt fulfilled, in love, and optimistic about the future.

On the 4th of July this year, we entered a new phase of our journey together. I have now realised my intentional actions have brought me so far in my journey with my fiancee, and keeping the consistency will be even more important as our journey takes another course.

Here are five habits I cultivated in my relationship, taking me from boyfriend to fiancé

Being Present

This seems like a no-brainer, but in past relationships, I had been absent. Unavailable. I made it a point of duty to be present. I checked-in multiple times in a day — sure we all live rather busy lives — but I needed to make an effort to be seen. She needs to know I am available when she needs me. Always.

Yes, we maintained the regular date nights and occasional staycation. But it’s the little thing like responding to WhatsApp messages as quickly as possible, sending words of encouragement when she is stressed at work. Intention plus effort is vital in sustaining a healthy relationship.

Contrary to popular believe, absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder. You need to be deliberately present in the heart of those you love.

Settled Every Dispute on the Same Day

Or try to. I’m quite a confrontational person. I love arguments: you can credit the combination of my journalism degree and my Aderemi-genes for that!

I’m strong-willed and opinionated. But I’ve learnt to premise my interaction on humility and always to be teachable. Arguments and disputes occur, but they should not be treated as a competition of ideas and thoughts. There should be a consensus on rationality.

My approach is meeting each other halfway, then carving a new path together. Iron sharpens Iron — so when the two collide — the end result should be beneficial to both parties learning and growing through the dispute.

Self-Awareness and Accountability

Generally, I have become more self-aware in my 30s. Out of that, self-awareness is my renewed pledge to accountability. I wrote about it in my post, discussing the steps I took to regain my confidence.

Taking ownership of actions, being accountable, has made it easier to lead a relationship full of compassion and forgiveness.

Be Affectionate

This, I always did. Once I’m in love, I show no restrictions in showing it, vocalising it and assuring my partner that I care. Little gestures matter. Saying I love you — reciprocate her affection. Its a bit lovey-dovey, perhaps cheesy, but I’m a shameless romantic (well, I try). It’s important to me to show her that she matters, our love matters, and I’m invested in it.

Love is like a plant; you need to water it daily to ensure it grows — that is what affection does!

Connect With Her Spiritually

This is perhaps the most important thing. When I met my fiancee, I knew straight away what her spirituality meant to her. For any relationship to develop, I knew we had to be religiously aligned. I was on my way to redifining my spirituality anyway, going through a new path, I found someone at the right time in my journey to walk me through it.

From reading joint books, daily devotions, we connected more deeply, through our shared spiritual experience. It has propelled the relationship to greater heights; knowing no matter what, we have our spirituality to fall on. That’s the rock on which we stand.

Forever Is a Long Time!

Forever seems daunting; it’s like a vast road, intimidating, with possible dangers ahead. If love is the vehicle, then intention has to be the engine. There will be bumps on the road, admittedly, but once I intentionally work to keep the love going, we will be fine. Wherever the road takes me, I’m truly excited about the future.

I am by no means in the moral position to lecture anyone on relationships, but I’m learning every day, committed to the foundation we have laid. I’m willing and excited to see it all the way through!

#wearegettingmarried!!